Anyway, I don’t expect many young parents nowadays to keep canes in their homes. As far as I know, they are all ‘civilized’ and adopt liberal western techniques of disciplining children. I suppose they all adopt the NTUC principle, which my children picked up from a Comfort taxi driver – Never to Use Cane!
Hence I was quite surprised to see several canes on sale at a hardware shop in Clementi recently. Later, I found that actually many shops carry this product - which must be proof that many young parents still bought them. I do hope their aiming is not better than mine.Lest you think I am emulating my own parents, I should inform you that my mother never used a cane on us. She used this other item which I also saw at the same Clementi shop.
In fact, when she lost her temper, she used anything that came in handy; including chopsticks and papaya leaves :(
27 comments:
I protest, Chun See.
We are not "uncivilised" for using the cane on our children on the few occasions when they have to be disciplined when they were young.
In his memoir, the late President Wee Kim Wee, mentioned that the caning by his school principal 'woke' him up when he spent too much time playing instead of studying.
Of course, using the cane should be the last resort only if couselling doesn't work.
Young parents these days know of better ways to coax their children to behave or to study ..."Tomorrow we're going to MacDonald you know" :)
Our gahman has called Clementi the foreigner new town. Maybe young foreigner parents use them. I wonder whether places like Punggol and Sengkang have them. :P
Some get the cane because their exam results were not up to their parents' expectations.
There is also another method which parents do use on their children. It is not confined to the illiterate folks which we often associate with such foul language.
"Cursing" such as, "Lu I see" (translated from Hokkien "You want to die?"), "Say Kwai say em hui, yat keok tek say leh" (translated from Cantonese, Devil dont wish to go? My one kick kick you to death"), "You stupid idiot, you think you are so clever?", "You want your parents to die?" "I better give you away to the orphanage/charity because you make me one to die".
There are other treatments given such as favourtism among siblings; give to one at the expense of the other and parents making it clear that the reward was given because the other sibling was better behaved than the other. This will breed jealous instead of healthy competition.
Many parents raise their voices to shout at their children. Even neighbours can hear the rumblings.
I think the use of such language can also have a detrimental effect on children, a damage that can be long-lasting. On the other hand I agree with Chun See about using the likes of MacDonald as an incentive which can lead to more problems later. Children will grow up to expect hand-outs. I have seen one example among my relatives that even on the parents' death bed, the "child" (who was now in his late 40s) still demanded his parents to bail him out of debts and to buy him a new "toy" which cost tens of thousands of dollars. As an ancient Chinese saying rightly puts; on the eve of death there is never a filial son at the bedside.
Like Chun See, I use the cane twice in my entire career raising a family. Once when my son (at the age of 5) denied he was in the wrong and not repentant on his wrong-doing and wanted to blame others. Second time when both boys were disagreeing - "He poke me first", He call me names". I never allow things to escalate until they become unmanageable. I believe both boys got the message.
chun see, now that my two daughters have grown up and they shower me with so much love, i sometimes feel a tinge of guilt/regret for having been quite harsh with them during their toddling years. i did use the cane on them a couple of times.
“Or lup tan hoe kor sang lei” (Cantonese: I had better laid an egg than to give birth to you)
“San toe pei lei sek pang” (Cantonese: “You guys can eat away a slice of a mountain)
YG. I understand what you mean. The other day, my youngest daughter said something that brought a lump to my throat. She said; "We are so blessed to be born in this family."
I suddenly remembered the words of a song from the movie, Sound of Music; "Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good." In this case we can say, somewhere during the process of bringing them up ....
Something DID change! The cane that inflicted so much pain on me when I was young did not have a colourful plastic handle. The handle was actually looped back from the same cane and then fastened with "string" also made from rattan.
We found other creative non-controversial uses for the cane though - we used it to dig out dust balls from hard-to-reach places underneath cupboards or we use it to carry our lanterns during Mid-Autumn Festival. How about you? Did you ever do those things before using the cane?
If you back feels itchy, also can use the feathered cane. In primary school we use that to dust the blackboard.
Or sek yim tor khor lay sek fun (I eat salt more than u eat rice). The worst I heard:
Mo yeh sung mo la kau (??????I am still figuring what it means)
Chuck :
My late father did not use those canes on us. He simply go to the bushes, broke a branch, stripped off the leaves and we will be playing hide and seek with him.
Peter, it should be "Yau yeh sung, mo na kau" meaning "got father who gave birth to you but no mother to teach you". Similar to "kurang ajar" in Malay.
Nothing can be worse than "yiau siew gin na" in Hokkien, I think. I am still figuring out what that means too.
Sorry, it should have been "yau neong sung, mo na kau" meaning got mother who gave birth to you but no mother to teach you.
During my growing up years, there were no "instrument of torture" such as canes and the feather dusters to instil discipline in me. Whenever I fell from grace, my father would just glare at me and that glare itself was enough to send shivers down my spine.
By the way, has Mr. Lam Chun See taken the picture of the former Queenstown Polyclinic at Margaret Drive. The former clinic is presntly under renovation for conversion into a dormitory for foreign workers.
Hi Victor,
I am a "Lau Hokkien", so let me try to interprete "yiau siew gin na" in Hokkien,
"yiau siew" is a cursing phrase meaning "short life"; "gin na" is kid. So it is literally translated as "a kid with short life"
My late mother, a traditionally superstitious lady who consciously avoided mentioning words like 'die' or 'death' replaced 'si gin na' (a dying kid) with an euphemism, "kut tau kia" (skeleton son) but she totally stopped using when a neighbour told her that a 'skeleton son' is the same as a 'dead son' :)
I think we learnt lots of colourful curse words in various dialects during kampong days. Most of them we have already forgotten.
I think the message or "power" of the cane must be driven home from young. Don't wait for the kid to be way out of line for a long time before you use the cane. By that time, they wonder "how come my behaviour in the past never brought punishment but now it did? I will throw another tantrum to protest this! arrrrrr (squealing) yey yey, you see I got caning."
Agree?
The other point I wanted to as parents who discipline kids with the cane is this. If we still use the cane on our kids as they grow, we have to remember they will start to have feelings. So aim properly when applying punishment. Try not to cane when boiling mad, and the policy should be cane on the palm or the backside. I think that gives them some face when they go to school and face their friends. If not, their friends will tease them to no end. And you will be guilt ridden for as long as you can see the cane marks on their hands or legs over the next few days.
Parenting is a 20 yr task. If parents don't do it right the first time, there is no second chance.
What the the young adult becomes now is a reflection of what the parents did to him (for good or for bad). We can't control forever (with a cane or scolding).
Thanks, Thimbuktu for the explanation on the Hokkien saying. Now I know. So I was right, the curse was very toxic.
Peter - What? Only 20 years? I thought parenting is a whole-life task?
Wah, all male commentors. Where are Chun See's female fans? I'm sure they have creative use of the cane like Victor.
Victor, Peter only parented sons. When they go NS and become officers, still need to parent meh? So 20 years is where you draw the line.
Icemoon
No lah after "20" (legally speaking 19 yrs onwards), it is SAF problem not mine.
Victor, >20 years???? That one is son's wife problem, not mine.
Boys by 13 yrs want to be independent, so don't like parents to say-say things in front of their friends. This is the hint that they "have grown up" . You remember (in our time) when you had not reached puberty, boys are bathed by their mothers or fathers? The moment reached puberty they do it themselves?
In case you guys wondering about the long 'radio silence', I was out of town for the past few days.
btw, tell you something about those slimmer canes with the colourful hooked handles. Don't use them to hit very hard (be it on the skin or on the table to scare kids). The handle will break off from the cane. The ends also split easier. But the slimmer ones look less cruel than the thick ones in the second picture (gai mou shou).
I belonged to the generation where using the cane was the norm, even in schools. Did I use the cane? never but my wife did on my two daughters, not on school results, but the kids were being very stuborn and naughty. I am only guilty of hitting my younger daughter once on the head with a roll of newspaper after losing my cool and for this incident I regret it up to this very day. I am in favour of using the cane but for a good reason and not
at the whim and fancy of the user. For example, there was an incident when I was caned jointly with a few boys (in a primary school) for just passing the principal office and he so happened caught a naughty student perching on a tree in front of his office. I suppose it was a joint punishment to warn others. When a kid is wrongly punished he will remember the incident for the rest of his life and that I am quite sure. Parents should beware of unfair using of the cane lest their children may grow up bearing grudges, or worse trying to settle scores when they are grown up.
How about the parent using his/her hand to slap across the ear or face? In my primary school I have seen one such example in Primary 3. For a few days, the poor boy kept hearing "eeeeeee" sound in his ear.
In asian culture being slapped, especially in the public, is a serious loss of face. On the other hand, slapping a guy, is as normal as eating breakfast in the Japanese culture(esp. from a senior ranking chap dispensing it to a junior one) - meaning 'well'-so as to wake him up. It was reported that the son-in-law of a former Japanese prime minister complained to him of the misbehavior his wilful daughter. The PM promptly retorted: "why don't you slap her!"
I have kids in their late twenties now.I brought my daughter and son up without the help of their grandparents or maids and I can attest to the fact that the cane should be used very sparingly, in my case, only once on each child and that was when they were below the age of ten. The sensible way to discipline is to start young, from the toddler stage. A firm 'no' is not negotiable. Setting simple rules and targets for the time spend at home and during outings helps a lot too.Kids knows when to take advantage of their parents and when you give in too frequently, you have helped creat the 'brat' in them. Communication is of utmost importance.Taking time to explain right from wrong, even though they may not be fully matured to understand, goes a long way. It is also not advisable to punish in a fit of anger. The terrible look on your face will hurt them more than the pain inflicted by the cane.
Above all, it is not necessary for both parents to be involved in the disciplining. The poor child needs a shoulder to cry on....
Post a Comment